a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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