Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
