yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I skipped work to stalk him.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
