Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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