blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
