Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
