i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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