I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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