The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my shit smells like andre
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Im part way to drunk.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
