I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
