I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
