shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
