I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
