Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
