I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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