he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
