she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
this will be a night to untag.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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