Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm sobbing to NWA
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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