Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
