My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
