apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
