my soul wont recognize me after tonight
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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