I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
