I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
