I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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