This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
