I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
