you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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