I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
