you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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