why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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