I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
