You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
