I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
