i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
