I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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