I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
