k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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