I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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