had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
