Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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