Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
