I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
