It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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