Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
