he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
