I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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