I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
