i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
