this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
