totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
