tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
