guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
