I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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